Nice or Kind?
What is the difference between being nice and being kind? At first glance it’s hard to tell. We often use them interchangeably when describing people. A “nice person” will hold the door for others, but so does a “kind person.”
If the underlying motivation for holding the door for others is to create a favorable impression then it can be consdered nice due to its pleasing effect, but not necessarily kind without a sense of benevolence. Conversely, if the motivation is to spare the other person from extra effort or inconvenience, then it could be considered both kind as well as nice.
Stephen Covey in his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People talks about the difference between the personality ethic and the character ethic.
We may have a personality ethic (being nice) and express it on the surface. It’s something that people perceive. Whereas our character ethic is expressed from beneath the surface, from within.
There are big differences between nice and kind. Nice is about what the other person is thinking and feeling; their perception of the situation. Kind is about what we choose to do and why.
Niceness is a virtue that we are taught early in our lives, to behave in a courteous manner and be pleasant to others.
I believe one of the hardest (yet most important) things we must learn to do is to start being kind to everyone that we can. I believe that most people, regardless of the differences they have with us in terms of race, creed, religion, culture, sexual preference or social status…need our kindness.
Kindess is not limited to grandmothers or Boy Scouts. Being kind is fundamentally the greatest gift we can give to the world.
Maybe we need to stop telling our children to be nice and instead tell them to be kind, and then tell them the difference!
What do you think? What marks the difference being nice and being kind? Can the two overlap? Share your thoughts below!
9 Comments
Pat, It seems to me that you captured the difference between nice and kind very well. So I’m asking myself, “What can I possibly add to that?” I wonder if nice is passive and kind is active. You seem to have implied at least that one does not have to be kind to be nice, but I wonder does one have to be nice to be kind? It seems to me that one’s being nice, if genuine, will always feel good to the other person. I’m not sure that kindness will always carry with it a warm and fuzzy feeling for the other person -as in a ‘tough love’ situation. I will be interested to hear other people’s thoughts about this.
Russ, I think your comment about ‘tough love’ is spot on. As we come from our heart to share a truth (at least as we lovingly believe it), we are kind enough to seek to help them. And it isn’t really ‘nice’ but IS kind.
I think that kindness is expressed with no thought about what will come as a result. It appears to be more selfless.
Sandra, I also think kindness is more selfless while niceness is about the other person’s perceptions. Thanks for sharing!
What a wonderful way to help me sharpen my intent or be more aware of it.
Hi Pat! Always read, rarely comment. But today I was struck with the idea that “tough love” is kind or nice. As a parent who had to practice this in my only child, I felt neither kind of nice. Definitely heartbroken that it was my DUTY as a parent. Not ce. Thank you for what you do!
Jackie, I agree whole-heartedly about the ‘tough love’ aspect of parenting. Nobody said parenting was going to be easy! And I love knowing that you read my posts. Thank you!
Karl, good to hear from you! I think we all need those occasional reminders to stay conscious of what we know and often forget.
I like the comment about “tough love” as well. Even though it is hard to do sometimes it HAS to be done and hopefully with positive results in the end one can feel both nice and kind.